Ok, so baseball is this game where a whole bunch of fellas or ladies put all these diamonds down on the ground. Not real diamonds, you'd never be able to see those. Big white ones that look like dinner plates kinda. Then they stand on them. But not casually standing around like they are waiting for the bus. They are trying to catch the other team's baseballs and keep them from running around the dinner plates all the way. Like tag. Because they set the dinner plates up in like a circle kinda. But not like a trust circle. In fact, nothing like a trust circle, it is not a safe space.

Cuz see only one team stands around on the field. The other team has to wait until it is their turn to be on the field. They have to sit in the time-out or whatever it is called. There the players all wait until they can get on the field and hit the baseball. Cuz see the game is about hitting that baseball super hard and making it fly around. But not hitting it with hands. Hitting it with a bat. Apparently bats are for other things besides smashing sliding glass doors.

Yea, see they have to hit the baseball with the bat and then run around the dinner plates. They get three tries to hit the baseball super good. I don't think that is enough tries. And no one can cry, not even once! That is apparently bad form or something. The other team has to try to catch the baseball that the other team person hit. But still no catching it with hands. There are these mitts that are like Hulk or King Kong hands. Those are for catching the baseball.


Whoever runs around the dinner plate circle most times and hits the baseball best wins. Unless like President Ronald Reagan said and one of these days aliens come down and stop the game because the players are all using steroids. Then everybody gets probed forever and it is all baseball's fault. It probably won't even be only the fun kinda probing either. Probs bad probing, like the aliens taking out our kidneys and putting them in snowglobes. Then they will rape the Maine waters and abduct all the lobsters to worship as deities.

Maybe everyone should just quit baseball so aliens don't hurt us so good with their probemachines. Just visit a hoarder and find those thousands of baseball cards they collected from when Joan Crawford played professionally. Scrape the mold off of the cards and smoke it and then it probably feels like you played baseball.

Good night, Sports Column!