I don't know what's in the air folks, but this month has been a veritable smorgasbord of crazy weirdos coming into the restaurant I work at. For those that don't know, I work the expediting station and so I work basically right over the first three tables. I interact with wait staff a lot and I get to hear all of their stories and overhear some very strange things at tables myself. Anyway, yeah, this month man. So much crazy. Lets see, there was:

Rabbit Guy

Rabbit guy is completely certain that the rabbit we use in the rillette is fake. You know, that fake rabbit you're always seeing everywhere. He knows this from the smell. Apparently you can tell fake rabbit from the smell? I didn't even know fake rabbit existed. Guy, listen, I promise the rabbit is real. I butchered it and cooked it confit, personally.

Aioli Lady

This lady loves aioli. She is also fucked right the hell up. She ordered a burger. It comes with mayo. She thought it came with aioli even though no one ever told her this. No one told her this because it does not. She calls over the server and asks for a side of aioli. The server brings her mayo (which is what we have). She becomes furious. Apparently the only reason she ordered a burger was to get aioli and the reason she had asked for a side is so that she could eat some on it's own and confirm that it was in fact, simple mayo. Apparently we are theives and crooks who are trying to con people out of their aioli. Again, no one EVER told her we had aioli.

She wrote an angry email later that evening to the owner (who promptly laughed and passed it around) calling us all kinds of names and chastising us for being the kind of place that fools people by giving them mayo. This email was four paragraphs long.

Star Wars Guy

Star wars guy is the life of the party man. He is the loudest guy at the table of six seated closest to my station and he knows a lot of stupid shit that he wants to tell everyone all about. So someone else was telling some story which I didn't hear because it was told at a normal volume for humans interacting at a table and suddenly star wars guy booms "Do or do not. Trying is not an option!" and asks if anyone at the table had heard that quote and before even hearing an answer, he begins to explain the plot of star wars to the rest of the table simply so that he could explain the context behind the totally-not-a-quote "Do or do not. Trying is not an option".

I felt really bad for the other five people at his table. At least they got a good meal out of it.

Incredibly, Comically Sexist Yelp Guy

So we got a yelp review recently and I so desperately want to post it, but it will totally doxx me if anyone googles the text word for word. So instead, I bring you:

Real Life Yelp Review From A Douche As Paraphrased By Intheweeds!

"I was wanting a mac and cheese from my favorite place to go when I'm in [CITY] but when I got there it was closed so I came here. When I got there this smoking young lady from behind the bar didn't smile at me. I didn't like that. She was hot, btw, did I mention that? Frigid though. Anyway, the mac and cheese was good. It had ham.

Note: this next part, while paraphrased, is almost exactly what was written. The countdown is actually a real thing. For real.

Fucked up sexist comments coming in

3.. 2.. 1..

Every woman that works here has huge tits. I mean fucking big, I'm not kidding. I'm not saying it's my favorite restaurant to stare at jugs, but it's up there. Basically, I'm a rich discerning dude and I can't be seen at some lowly Hooters so I appreciate seeing big titted broads here. Maybe the waitresses are all related? It was really noticeable. Anyway, they didn't smile enough."

-Robert.