Did you know Spain has an election coming up? It’s true! I have no idea why they’d schedule it in the middle of the holiday season where people are stressed as it is, but whatever.
The most important thing about this election is that nearly every person (okay, they’re all men) is attractive.
Name: Alberto Garzón
Party: Izquierda Unida (far-left anticapitalist)
Chances of winning: LOL
Alberto Garzón looks like a model, but somehow more attractive. It’s really too bad he has no chance; imagine if your nation’s leader was this sexy. It would make everything better. “Portugal just annexed half the country? S’kay, I’ll just look at a picture of the PM.” I would believe anything this man tells me. “The Prime Minister says there are microscopic robots in the water supply? STOP DRINKING THE WATER DAMMIT.”
Tied for second:
Name: Albert Rivera
Party: Ciudadanos (social liberalism, progressivism, anti-nationalist)
Chances of winning: Not likely, but anything can happen.
Rivera is handsome in that prep-school lacrosse player kind of way, which will immediately turn him off to some. His party barely registered in the political sphere twelve months ago, but a meteoric rise all throughout 2015 has them in third with a chance to overcome the Socialist Party for second, and just a few points behind the PP for first. Oh, and speaking of the Socialist Party...
Name: Pedro Sanchez
Party: Partido Socialista Obrero Español (center-left social democratic)
Chances of winning: Good not great
Despite sharing a name with the Napoleon Dynamite character, Pedro Sanchez is sexy in that soap opera villain kind of way. Of the people listed so far, he has the best chance of actually leading the country.
Cute in a Nerdy Way
Name: Pablo Iglesias
Party: Podemos (left-wing democratic socialist)
Chances of winning: Better if the election were in July
Pablo Iglesias looks like the hacker in literally every movie. That is not a bad thing. Podemos, like Ciudadanos, also had a meteoric rise from seemingly nowhere, even leading in a few polls, before falling back to earth. They are currently polling at a solid but disappointing fourth, well behind Ciudadanos and PSOE for third.
He’s like a 5.75/10
Name: Andrés Herzog
Party: Unión Progreso y Democracia (social liberalism, republicanism, Spanish nationalism)
Chances: Makes Alberto Garzón’s look good
Andrés Herzog took over UPYD at something of a crossroads, becoming leader in only July. He does not have an English Wikipedia page. He has led UPYD to last in most polls, behind some parties not even listed here. His looks are positively average, not bad but not making you stop in your tracks. Sort of like his party.
Name: Mariano Rajoy
Party: Partido Popular (conservatism)
Chances: Probably gonna win this thing with 25% of the vote.
Being 21, my age preference ends at around 40. But incumbent PM Mariano Rajoy isn’t even attractive in the Ian McKellen old man way. And yes, I did choose an unflattering picture of him. Not that it would change much. His policies unflatter him more than anything; after he was elected he looked into legal ways to repeal Spain’s same-sex marriage law (fortunately there was none), has made drastic cuts to the country’s social safety net, and is deeply unpopular. However, every other party running is center to left, splitting opposition. Partido Popular lead in almost every poll, with less than 30% of support. I would not be surprised to see him win by a similar number.