Because I’m going to help you calm down. I’m going through/throwing out a bunch of old work I did in school, old papers, etc. (I have digital copies of most of the papers, and let’s face it, if I haven’t re-read class notes I took in 2004 by now, I’m probably not going to get around to it anytime soon). One notebook, from 2006 (but with no indication of the class it was for), I wrote the following, under the header “Stress Relief.” If you’re feeling stressed, 2006 ICN would like to recommend the following options:

  • Drinking
  • Swimming
  • I relax by sweating minor details
  • Breathe through your nose—if gets the air closer to your calmness lobe of your brain
  • Whine incessantly to a friend or well-wisher
  • I’m stressed about my inability to focus on the task at hand—I need to write in my journal about my frustrations
  • Oxygen deprivation
  • Mockery of others
  • Hammer toss
  • Casual use of heroin
  • Make yourself feel better by making others feel worse
  • The best stress reliever is laughter. Put grain alcohol in your dog’s water dish
  • Shoplifting
  • Hang-gliding off of a volcano of some sort
  • Bear-baiting
  • Listening to Michael Bolton
  • Barbecued ribs
  • Casual sacrilege
  • Wikipedia tampering