Still no turd of a newsletter has been delivered to my inbox. BUT! It has come to my attention by a few of you that The Outline—Leah’s newest employer—is hiring! Perhaps I can get a job there and finally see that this newsletter gets distributed?

Staff Writer

  • The Outline is looking for writers who are deeply curious about the world. (I would say I am more disturbingly fascinated than deeply curious, but I can pretend.)
  • You should have lots of daily writing experience (Look at what I have done the past 15 days! This is legitimately more content than the Outline has ever produced.)
  • You should love going after a story or sharing something with an audience. (Why Leah hasn’t sent out a newsletter is the only story that matters to me.)
  • The ideal candidate is capable of writing / speaking intelligently with voice and personality without patronizing the reader.(lol wut? <3)
  • Do you have a high metabolism for news? (My metabolism is slow, but I’ve heard that if I eat tiny portions of news throughout the day, I can speed it up.)
  • A sense of humor and a critical eye? (Hi! Have we met? In the interest of transparency, only one eye is critical—the other is just plain bitchy.)
  • This is a full-time position in New York City. (I can probably be there today, in like 15-20 mins tops.)

Now which three of you will by my professional references?