A friend of mine invited me over to one of these indoor ski centre's tonight. There was an offer on where you can ski for four hours with kit hire for a one off price.

Having been dry slope skiing for an hour twenty years ago I thought I could wing it. I drove over with another friend who used to snowboard. We checked in, paid a large sum of money, got our kit, and I just about managed to clip my boots onto the skis.

I couldn't tell you how big the slope is but having near fallen off the the pulley thing on the way to the top I reckon it's big enough. I watched some of the other skiiers and borders carving neat little lines down, some whizzed, some more serene.

I remembered something about pointing your skis in a vee to slow down. "Good enough"' I thought and teetered over the edge. I was good for six foot then promptly fell over. Managed to rise, which is hard going in skis on a hill, then fell over again. And so forth and so forth until I reached the bottom. Not having gloves and having taken a chunk out of finger earlier this week, the experience was somewhat painful and painfully embarrassing.

It was at the end of my second 'run' down that the attendant kicked me off the slope and told me to book a lesson. Balls it was 8pm then and I aren't waiting 'til 9:30 for an hour and a half lesson.

I'd handed my stupid ski boots back in when I realised my mate had the locker key. While waiting for one of them to come back off the slope for a break. I noticed a late 50's woman cleaning up. She pushed a trolley laden with apparatus. Then got on her hands and knees and scrapped gum from floor before picking it up and carrying the chunks to the bin.

Scummy fucking gum dropping wankers.

Don't ski!