I'm not 100% sure it was the first time but the other two occasions it could be, are equally as squalid. And I can't think of a euphemism that isn't either too mechanical or not filth sounding for using your metatarsals on a woman. That's third base right?...

I'll call her Helen for that was her name. I think we're both 16 or 17, old enough to get into a club underage anyway. Her Dad was a maths teacher at school and she sometimes smelt of sick. In the basement floor of the Gallery nightclub I finger blasted her next to the dancefloor. There's not really much more to add. We kissed then went our separate ways?

Everyone's else's teenage years and early twenties all seem normalish compared to mine.