And it is simultaneously the most wonderful and exhausting and frustrating and awe-inspiring and fucking overwhelming thing I have ever done. FYI for any of you contemplating motherhood, you may want to skip this post because it’s a lot of venting.

It’s been a couple weeks now (haven’t really had much time for internet). We had several big hiccups but things are finally starting to settle. The little guy had to get whisked off to special care just after birth because his breathing wasn’t right. Eventually he was alright, but that also caused some problems with not being able to start breastfeeding right away. And let me tell you, for those of you that don’t have the experience, breastfeeding is REALLY FUCKING HARD (and people who say it isn’t painful are full of fucking shit). Not to mention I feel like a dairy cow where my existence is dominated by feeding sessions (every 2-3 hours, and they take a good 40 minutes - which is down from the hour or more that they used to take). And he kept losing weight for a while meaning that he wasn’t getting adequate nutrition from me, but he’s finally starting to gain again. I’m quite tempted at this point to give it up and just switch to formula, but I’m going to try to stick it out a bit longer because it’s supposed to get easier. I have another appointment with a lactation consultant coming up so hopefully things will improve.

Also, bearddamnheroes got really sick about a week in. Super high fever, doctors couldn’t diagnose anything and kept saying it was probably viral and would pass. So he had to be off quarantined in another room and was obviously not able to help with the baby. Eventually he was diagnosed with strep and is finally on antibiotics and able to interact with us again after about a week of no contact. Luckily my parents were able to help out a lot, but it was awful not having him involved. And even though my parents were helping, it just felt really, really lonely.

Do you know what I keep thinking? There are SINGLE MOTHERS. How the hell does someone do this by themselves?

People say it gets easier. I really hope that’s not just bullshit.

I will say, as extremely difficult as it’s all been (oh and I didn’t even mention labor - jesus are they not kidding about the worst pain you could ever possibly experience), my baby is pretty goddamn beautiful.