You think your dad gets Father of the Year just because he came over to your house to kill a spider, bought you dinner at the Cheesecake Factory (editor's note: that is not an act of love), or bailed you out when that hooker turned out to be a cop?

Pffft—Michael Sam's father makes your father look like Chairman Mao (one gets tired of using Stalin and Hitler all the time...Pinochet, Duvalier, or Jimmy Carter—he knows what he did—could also be used, but meh, let's go with Mao this time).

Money quote:

Last Tuesday, Michael Sam Sr. was at a Denny's near his home outside Dallas to celebrate his birthday when his son sent him a text message.

Dad, I'm gay, he wrote.

The party stopped cold. "I couldn't eat no more, so I went to Applebee's to have drinks," Sam Sr. said. "I don't want my grandkids raised in that kind of environment.

Advertisement

"I'm old-school," he added. "I'm a man and a woman type of guy." As evidence, he pointed out that he had taken an older son to Mexico to lose his virginity.

Editor's note: this is from Michael Sam, Sr., talking about his son, Michael Sam, Jr.. I don't know why that makes it more awkward for me, but it does.

Congrats, Michael Sr. You've earned this—use it with pride (not that kind of pride, just regular, Christ-loving ((not that kind of Christ-loving)) pride) when you hand it to your Applebee's server to be filled up with the Bud Light or well drink of your choice.