Have you ever wondered if Tupac's hologram would shoot itself in the head if they released a posthumous track of his featuring Drake? Well, do I ever have great news for you!

Looks like I picked a good week to rip the East Coast in general, and Jay-Z specifically- it is not quite official, but word floating around the internet is that Roc Nation will be shelling out $384 million to acquire Tupac's catalog, his masters, and the rights to all past and future work, in what will probably go down as the most egregious example of Jay-Z jayzeeing. Goddamn, he sucks.

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Of course Roc and the apologists are characterizing this as making a move on behalf of hip hop. Because as we all know, when a conglomerate makes a $384 million investment, it's always a selfless move. Jay couldn't even resist mining Obama giving him the time of day for all the hype he could, and now we're supposed to believe that he's the ideal custodian for probably the most lucrative catalog in rap.

Jay is taking his job as cultural guardian so seriously, he has already announced they intend to release a "new" Tupac album in 2016, because nothing says "keeping it real" like putting out a record from a guy who wanted to punch you in the fucking face, without his input, 20 years after he died. This is the 21st century equivalent of Jennifer Lopez portraying Selena and attempting to swallow her soul in the process. But at least JLo was cast for the part, instead of just buying her way in. Jay-Z is now a bigger sellout than Jennifer Lopez.

I've also seen the comparison made to Michael Jackson buying the Beatles catalog, but this is much worse. There was at least a bit of mutual appreciation there, and ain't nobody doing anything with the Beatles catalog except leaving it alone and cashing the resulting checks. Michael Jackson was not making dis tracks aimed at Paul. Michael Jackson also didn't take The Beatles' unreleased music and have people they would have, or clearly did strongly dislike, get down on it.

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Yes, Jay has already announced they will be releasing a new Tupac album next year, featuring production from Dre, who Tupac was beefing with at the time of his death. Dre could probably feel this deal coming via subtle changes in The Sellout Force. "What up Jay, just calling because I can tell you're up to something scummy- count me in!" Snoop will also be appearing on this record, because the project wouldn't be complete without the biggest frontrunner in the world. Pretty sure Pac wasn't on the best of terms with him towards the end either. And Jay will be on there himself, because if you can't beat 'em, buy 'em.

But Drake... ha ha. Come the fuck on. If they were contemporaries, Tupac would have made an entire double album shitting on him. Beyonce is reportedly getting down on there too. Makes sense. It always went so smoothly when Pac worked with other rapper's lady friends...

Not being the biggest Tupac fan, I should be able to just sit back and laugh at this whole thing. But I cannot. It is just too fucking weak. I'm sure it feels good, to essentially own the man that you wish you were but know damn well you could never be. Just don't try to tell me you're doing it for "us," or the culture. The best thing Jay could do for "us" would be to stop pretending he's not a greedy piece of shit and one of the worst things to ever happen to rap.