So last night I had a dream that I was being presented a lifetime achievement award for my work writing about baseball. This was odd, since a) someone in his 30s has not usually accomplished enough to get a lifetime achievement award; b) my career in journalism consisted of a brief stint as a reporter for my school newspaper as an undergrad; and c) I dislike baseball, as do all good people.

In any event, the highlight of the awards ceremony was that I was presented the award by Fresh Air host Terry Gross (because of course she would be hosting the event). She praised me not only for my non-existent career, but also for my triumph in overcoming a crippling gambling addiction. (Now would be as good a time as any to point out that I don't have a crippling gambling addiction, having placed maybe six or seven bets in my entire life, only one of which was for over a dollar ($10 on a Super Bowl), and none in the past decade or so.)

After the ceremony—at which I received a lovely standing ovation, as is befitting my status as a high-profile honoree—Terry and I went out for a drink. I was still confused and a bit offended by the gambling addiction thing, though. Why bring that up in the first place, especially since it's not true? And then I thought, "Well, shit—now I can't go out and gamble, because everyone would judge me as if I had a relapse, when I wasn't addicted in the first place." But if I was that upset about not being able to do it, maybe I did have a problem. Is it possible to be addicted to something you never do? Come to think of it, how do I know that I'm not a heroin addict who is just lucky enough never to have tried it in the first place?

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Thanks, Dream Terry Gross—now you've convinced me that I'm an addict, even though that's just silly. I need to relax—if anybody needs me, I'm going to be drinking for the next six hours to forget all this stress.

ETA: Also, just to be clear, she actually used the term "crippling gambling addiction" in her introductory remarks.