It’s been a while since I posted something long-winded and personal around here, so I figure I’m probably due, right? There’s something I’d like to get off my chest, but I’m not really feeling like discussing it with the people I interact with in meatspace. And if you can’t share something with anonymous internet friends, who can you share it with, amirite?

So. I’m pregnant.

That’s fucking terrifying to write.

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It’s not exactly a surprise. We’ve been trying for oh, a year and a half now. Went through several failed fertility treatments. I have PCOS and his swimmers aren’t in top shape. They said the next step was IUI, and I freaked out a little. That was a couple months back and I decided to take a break from the whole thing because it was really stressing me out.

So about a week ago, I was getting the type of cramps I usually get when my cycle is about to start, but it never did. Just mild cramps for days. I was 40-something days into my cycle, but that’s normal for me with the PCOS so I hadn’t thought anything of it. And then there was nausea (which is a blast by the way), and it finally occurred to me to take a test, and hey. Turns out everyone’s idiotic advice about “it’ll happen as soon as you stop worrying about it!” was actually accurate. At least in this particular case. (I still hate that advice.)

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So, I’m now in the position of finding out I’m pregnant when I’m already 6+ weeks in. Like an idiot. And I had a cold a couple weeks back and was definitely taking all the sudafed and nyquil, which pregnant ladies are definitely not supposed to be doing. I was definitely scooping the litterbox. I was probably doing other things I wasn’t supposed to be doing. Hopefully I didn’t do any permanent damage?

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I feel like I’m supposed to want to tell everyone. I don’t really want to tell anyone. Right now it’s like a private thing between me and my husband and it just feels special, or something? I’m not sure. I don’t quite know why I feel this way. I did tell my closest friend at work because she’s known about the whole process of our trying and she was asking and I felt like telling her at that moment. But then she was jumping up and down and congratulating and hugging me and was so happy, and it made me really uncomfortable. I’m not sure why.

For some reason, I really don’t want to tell my family yet. I know they’d be super hurt if I kept it from them for much longer though. Especially where my sister told me about her pregnancy even earlier than this. But when I tell them, they’re going to be so excited, and they’re going to want constant updates, and that just sounds fucking exhausting. And with my sister pregnant at the same time, I don’t know, I feel like she’s going to want to compare notes or something.

Maybe it’s fear. I know I have some fears about motherhood taking over my identity, so maybe that’s part of it. And if I tell people, then maybe it makes it more real and I have to start getting my goddamn shit together and preparing. But it’s already pretty real, and bearddamnheroes and I have been having some serious conversations about future planning and labor and childcare and all that jazz. It was pretty real when I had an ultrasound today and the embryo (it doesn’t even qualify as a fetus yet) had a fucking heartbeat. I didn’t know that happened so early.

I guess I just don’t feel capable of dealing with other people’s emotions about it all. Is that weird?