Once you recover from your diabetic coma and decide to spend even more time with the relatives you just spent the last three hours screaming at next month, I have a modest proposal for what you can take: hazelnut pie. (You could easily make this with pecans, but I didn’t have any pecans handy, so I used some hazelnuts I had around.)

Here’s what you’ll need—I use metric, because you should use metric when baking stuff:

  • Eggs: 170 grams (a little more than three large eggs—if you’re scaling them, crack one into a glass and scramble it up, then weigh out the three eggs, then top off the weight with the scrambled-up extra, if that makes sense)
  • Melted butter: 57 grams
  • Light corn syrup: 340 grams
  • White sugar: 99 grams
  • Vanilla: 4 grams
  • Bourbon: 4 grams
  • Hazelnuts: 156 grams
  • 1 8- or 9-inch pie shell, uncooked (if you need a recipe, let me know)

Preheat your oven to 425.

While the butter is melting, whisk the eggs together in a medium-to-large bowl. Add the corn syrup, sugar, vanilla, bourbon, and now-melted butter (otherwise known as everything other than the nuts) to the bowl and whisk until smooth.

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Add the nuts to the pie shell in as close to an even layer as possible and pour in the egg/butter/everything else mixture.

Pop it into the oven and bake for 15 minutes. After that, turn the heat down to 350 and bake for another 20-30 minutes, or until the pie is slightly puffed up, mostly set (it’ll still be a bit jiggly), and a knife comes out of the middle cleanly.

Let it cool for an hour and a half or so, then cut it up. It’s not the world’s greatest pie, but it is pretty good.