We've been having a fun time keeping people in the dark, but J-Squeeze and I have decided to come out: We are two different people.

JohnnySqueasel is my real life best friend. When I started commenting regularly in the Gawkerverse, he would show up to grind my gears and tease me. We had an adversarial relationship because we have fun fighting with each other and have the same absurdist sense of humor. I would call him in to tag team idiots with me in flame wars.

JohnnySqueasel is, in reality, a lot like how he presents himself. He is into working out, martial arts, guns, and the outdoors. What you might not have guessed is that he is really into cooking and can speak Japanese. He is a huge sucker for every testosterone drenched 80s action film, but he also loves Wes Anderson (his favorite being Moonrise Kingdom because of the rugged Boy Scout angle). I am almost hopeless in the kitchen so I try to bounce food ideas off him (JohnnySqueasel is Italian/Mexican and has endless ideas for meals).

He is a fantastic friend. After I was dumped by my last girlfriend, Squeasel and I went on a camping trip and he gave me a knife that I treasure more than my great-uncle's WW2 bayonet. He is also the best Dungeon Master I've ever played under.

In conclusion, this is not an elaborate ruse to try to confuse everyone. Here is a picture of me and JohnnySqueazel when we where probably seven. JS is on the left, I'm on the right. While I used to have a sizable reach advantage on him, today JS could probably murder me in the first round in the ring if he wanted to today.

REVELATION: Penabler is not JohnnySqueasel

We plan to both be HGH mutants in our fifties.