I work for a corporation that provides us coffee. I can't tell you the brand because it comes in a clear polyethylene bag. It's already filterized so you only have to pop it in the basket and hit the button on the four burner industrial Bunn machine. Truth be told, it tastes like shit. Back in the olden times, you could at least count on the free swill being a recognized brand like Folgers. At least you could steel your taste buds against the assault of poorly roasted, second hand beans. But the provenance of this new style of corporate effluence is suspect. You have no idea what it's going to taste like until it slams into your taste buds like a runaway freight train. It tastes like pond water, passed though mushroom compost all contained within a dirty sweatsock. It's a vile brew, fit only for those who view it as a caffeine delivery system. And yet, people drink it by the potfull...and many of them like it. It's a testament to two old sayings: Mencken's quote that "no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public;" and it's corollary:"If it's free it's for me."

The VP I work for has decided he wants us to have Starbucks coffee stationed at various places on our floor. Starbucks is only slightly better than Folgers and ranks far below the coffee at 7-11, QuikTrip or Racetrac. On top of that, the coffee is actually brewed by our illustrious "cafe" located within our building. Said cafe's claim to fame is the chicken fried steak. Asking them to properly brew coffee is like asking Guy Fieri to cook something without a fryer. To add another level of fuckery, the VP likes his coffee "strong, " meaning it should be able to peel paint. Even after I cut it 50/50 with water, it tastes like the runoff of the pool acid I use to strip the mill scale off the metal I use for sculptures. It's practically the same dark brown, and burns my nostrils in the same way.

I know what your're thinking right now: You're saying to yourself: "geez why doesn't this guy just make his own coffee." Well, I've tried. I brought in a French press. Somebody stole it. I'm not sure what they're doing with it other than using it to wash nuts and bolts. Not only that, French press pots are a fucking mess AND the coffee goes instantly cold. I tried a Handpresso machine. Way too dorky. I work in Texas, not San Franciso. Besides, if I lived in San Francisco, my company would provide me coffee that didn't try to kill me.

Maybe I just need to dull my taste buds and swallow that swill.

Maybe I'll just drink tea.