Given you are all so smart and spend all your time on the internet fighting with strangers and generally being wags, it almost goes without saying that you're all terrible dancers. Fortunately for you this summer is, as I previously announced to the interest of absolutely no one, a summer for skinny ties, cool wraparound shades, and classic soul and R&B music. And who better to teach you some basic dances to round out your limited repertoires than a couple of classic soul artists?

Firstly, you'd all do well to learn the simple, but always swoon-inducing "tighten up." Trust me, you do the tighten up and fellas and ladies alike start to hit the fainting couches in droves. Or at least they do when I tighten up. Probably not when you do it. Anyway, here's Archie Bell to run down the lowdown:

Now it's possible you can make it through your party with just the tighten up, but all the cool cats are gonna be hip to your jive. You're gonna need an arsenal. So do what I do: work them into a frenzy with your tighten up and then kick off your shoes and socks and wow their asses with a little "barefootin'." Please tell me you regularly wash those piggies. Mr. Robert Parker sure does.

But yeah, who am I kidding? You guys are gonna be too busy posting on Clashtalk and subtweeting at each other on the Tweeter to get up, get out, and truly live exciting, dance-filled lives. So go ahead, you soulless bastards, and keep doing "the standing still."

Sigh.