Earlier today, I read that the actor who played Pugsley on the Addams Family TV show died this week. This was confirmed by his half-brother, who played one of Timmy's friends on Lassie. That friend's name? Porky. That reminded me of Porkins, the most lamentably-named character in all of Star Wars. This is, of course, a crazy notion, but would it be possible to have fat characters whose names weren't based on their being fat?

Show Runner: Okay, so now we have to introduce Joe's best friend...did we settle on a name for him yet?

Writer 1: He's the fat guy, right?

Show Runner: Yep.

Writer 1: How about Porky?

Show Runner: It's been done.

Writer 2: Ham?

Show Runner: Okay, that one's a little better.

The One Fat Guy in the Room: Could we just call him Mike?

Writer 3: What about Fat Mike?

TOFGitR: No, see, that's what I was trying to avo—

Writer 4: Tubbs?

Writer 5: Heavy?

Writer 1: Tiny?

Show Runner: I like that one—Tiny it is!

TOFGitR: I hate you people so much.