Editor's note: ICN is off this week, so responses will come from our guest columnists: noted Women's Studies scholar and leading feminist Hugo Schwyzer; founder, webmaster, and CEO of Broke-Ass Straight Guys Mike Sullivan; and William Donahue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights.

Dear ICN:

I'm an undergrad in college. Recently, while browsing one of those "broke straight guys having gay sex for money" sites, I accidentally stumbled upon a video featuring my PoliSci professor. It shocked me at first, but I figured what the hell, I'd already clicked on the link, and he has a great ass, so I watched the video, rubbed one out, and went back to studying for my math class.

Well...as it turns out, our final paper in PoliSci is about education funding in America. It seems natural to talk about how some academics are forced into working in porn in order to pay the bills (which wouldn't happen in a country that appreciates education), but I don't know how to introduce the idea in my paper. Should I just say that I saw my professor in the video? Do I congratulate him for taking it like a champ (and would that go in a footnote)? I mean, it's really awkward—I'd be mortified if I wrote about it in a paper, and it turns out that he's just doing it because he's gay and enjoys the work (he seemed really into the whole thing in the video) rather than for the money. What should I do?

—Flummoxed in Philly

Dear Flummoxed,

I'll field this one first, if I might. Let me assure you that if you were viewing the video on one of my sites, your professor is very much straight and only doing gay porn because of legitimate, documented financial hardship—that's what makes it so hot, and that's the promise we make to our viewers.

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As to your questions, I think communication is the key. Go to his office hours, let him know you saw him on the video, and ask if it would be okay to talk about the video in your paper. Who knows where it might lead? He might be flattered, and if he's game—and if you're interested (and, to be very clear, if you have a legitimate financial need, which can be verified by submitting a copy of your FAFSA), we might be able to shoot a scene with the two of you.

Anyway, feel free to contact me at B-ASGPrez@liberty.edu for more details.

—MS

Dear Flummoxed,

I'm repulsed by the above response, and it just goes to show how closely linked our liberal colleges and the pornography industry are. Professors love pornography. They wallow in it. And it's actually kind of surprising that you found it by accident rather than having the pervert show it to you as a class assignment.

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My advice to you would be to re-think your priorities—both educationally and personally—before it's too late.

—WD

Dear Flummoxed,

This seems like a great opportunity to get to know your professor outside of the classroom. I can tell you from experience that even though professors might seem like bloodless academics, all of us appreciate hearing nice things from our students, and it can lead to some great times and benefits to you both. Hell, I've ended up writing so many letters of recommendation for students—some of whom I'm pretty sure I never actually had in class—that I've lost count.

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Here's what you do. Go to his office hours and close the door. Here's where things get tricky: if it's one of those solid doors, you're in the clear. If it's one with a window, be sure to move around a bit so that people in the hall can't see in.

From there, well, use your imagination. Trust me: he wants you to "let him know" how much the video impressed him—otherwise, why in the world would he have gone into academia?

PS: If you decide to mention the video in your paper, be sure to cite it as an online video, using the model provided in the most recent edition of the MLA Handbook.

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—HS

Dear ICN:

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. He's moving across country for his job, and I'm just not interested in being the "obedient girlfriend" he seems to want following him around. The catch is that we have a dog—I'm the one who found him at the rescue shelter, I'm the one who named him, I'm the one who cleans up after him on walks. Yes, my boyfriend paid for his shots and generally picks up bags of food at the grocery, but I think I should be the one who keeps our four-legged friend, because I have the more emotional bond. How should we solve this conundrum?

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—Dog-Gone Tired in Denver

Dear Dog-Gone Tired,

Why do people never listen? This is the kind of thing that could be avoided if young people were willing to make a commitment to one another and get married, as the Bible says. Instead, you wanted to "try things out first." Well, how are "things" working out for you?

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To your question, even though you were never married, biblical principle should still apply here—in this case, that means listening to your former beau and letting him keep the dog. Say goodbye to your pooch, and consider this a lesson learned about what happens when you ignore God's advice.

—WD

Dear Dog-Gone,

I have absolutely nothing to say about this.

—MS

Dear Dog-Gone,

Your letter reminded me of something from my past...something I'm not proud of, but it's something that people need to hear.

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I was living with my girlfriend (who I'm not going to identify in this paragraph out of respect for her privacy) at the time. I was 29, recently divorced for the fifth time, and was, I admit, being pretty selfish with my life. I was also on leave from the university because of some things I'm legally barred from discussing in print, so I was running low on cash.

"Hugo, why don't you go out and get another goddamned job?" my girlfriend asked. "It's been six months, and there's no guarantee that you'll be accepted back at the school—certainly not after what you did with the mascot under the bleachers."

Shoshana was right, but I just didn't want to hear it at the time. Besides, her house on Evergreen Road was close to the bus line that I used, because I'll be damned if I'm going to have an outsized carbon footprint.

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In an attempt to relieve the tension, I suggested that we call the neighbor over for a threesome. My girlfriend was horrified—and rightly so, in retrospect—by the suggestion, so we had sex with just the two of us. It was mindblowingly good—well, I was terrific; she seemed a bit distracted for some reason—but I couldn't help but think that something was irrevocably broken between us, and that I was somehow partly responsible. Maybe if I'd seen something, said something sooner.

Later that night, I screwed the neighbor on my girlfriend's couch. It was everything I'd hoped it would be and more, but when my girlfriend walked in she was so upset she threw up. After I finished, I took it upon myself to point out a couple of spots she'd missed while mopping it up off the floor. And then we talked, really talked, for the first time in months. She told me how much seeing me really giving it to the neighbor hurt her (even though she acknowledged that it looked like I was doing a great job), and I told her that it really hurt not having a threesome. We decided to go our separate ways—we both needed time alone to heal—and after letting her cook pancakes and give me some money for a hotel room the next morning, I was off, never to see her again.

Oh, and I think she owned a dog or something.

—HS

Confidential, to "Disgusted in Delaware":

Dear "Disgusted,"

Jeez, you're reading too much into this. Just wipe it off your face and get on with your life.

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—HS

Confidential, to "Self-Abusin' in San Antonio":

Dear "Self-Abusin',"

Your letter was one of the most disgusting things I've ever read. You might think that music video was "hot," but let me tell you, it's got nothing on the fires of Hell, and the embarrassment you felt when your mother walked in is nothing—I repeat, nothing—compared to the embarrassment you'll feel when standing naked before our Lord.

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And as for the second part of your letter, despite your flippant tone, you should know that masturbation is "as bad as murder," and before you condemn yourself to facing even more millions of angry dead babies—dead at your own hand (pun intended) when you have to face Jesus, you should spend less time listening to those atheistic health teachers telling you that it's "perfectly 'natural'" and more time listening to the Holy Father.

—WD

Confidential, to "Bored Senseless in Rome":

Dear "Bored,"

First off, I hear you—committee meetings are the worst, aren't they? All talk, and—as you now know—they never come to anything. But, like you said, it's your boss's prerogative, so you just have to pat him on the head and go along until it's over.

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Second, I'd be more than happy to hook you up with a weekend site pass. From what you've said, as long as you sit in the back row, nobody should notice—just wear an extra-large gown (if you know what I mean) and be sure to use your headphones. Shoot me an e-mail for the details.

—MS

Got a question for ICN? Send it in today. Next week's guest columnists will include economist and Nobel laureate Paul Krugman, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and philosopher Slavoj Žižek.