Our performance review process is officially fucked. Despite doing work that has some fairly obvious quantitative measures, 80% of our assessment is focused on vague bullshit about adaptability and values. I like values. I have values. But I don't want to spend two hours of the day—in the middle of one of our busiest times of the year—explaining how I contributed to diversity. "I bring an air of faggotry to the office."

To add insult to injury, the entire process has no bearing on anything whatsoever, as my boss already had to submit performance assessments two months ago as they're supposedly a factor in raises. I have already met expectations, and my meager cost of living increase has been assessed accordingly.

Thankfully, my boss recognizes this. As she realized in our team meeting that everyone did their assessment differently because there was absolutely no guidance given, she ranted about how the entire thing is ass-backwards—in a charming British accent—and apologized for making us do it.

I need a fucking drink. Of only slightly less importance: does anyone know the origin of "ass-backwards"?