I've been jealous of the hirsute since high school when my girlfriend dumped me for a guy with what is now known as a porn 'stache.

Back then it was simply called a 'stache. It was neither sweet nor ironic, it was simply a magnificent bushy mess that sat neatly under his sixteen year old nose. He also wore velour and had a gold chain, and drove a super cool l'il red pickup with exhaust stacks. I wore steel toes, army surplus and drove a grey '74 Caprice Estate wagon known to my friends as the S.S. Nimitz.

Maybe I'll start a Gofundme for this: http://nypost.com/2014/02/25/hip… and then give her a call.