The wife works at a certain national big box retailer that HamNo hates and rhymes with Fart Jet. The store opened at 6pm, Thanksgiving evening, because people are the worst and the ravenous maw of late stage capitalism must be sated with the sad tiny broken dreams of the kind of people who would voluntarily shop at 6pm on Thanksgiving. So, in trying to salvage some semblance of a holiday, we went to my wife's grandmother's place for brunch. I made a turkey sausage/sweet potato/egg bake, which looked mildly interesting and appropriately themed when I looked it up online, but ended up tasting like a sponge made of disappointment. We also had lox and bagels. I love lox. For some unknown reason toasting the bagels just wasn't in the cards, and in the interest of preserving domestic tranquility and moving the proceedings along as quickly as possible, I decided to not push the issue. Lox is significantly degraded when paired with an untoasted bagel. With brunch concluded, we went home, where the special lady tried to get some sleep, and I did my best to keep quiet and amuse myself. I'm on day 10 of not drinking after about 15 years of what could charitably be described as heavy indulgence, so keeping myself amused amounted to quietly playing guitar and video games with the rabid zeal of a methed out seminarian debating the nuances of Vatican II with the devil in his head. The day comes and goes, the wife departs to do righteous battle with the mongrel horde, I eventually fall asleep after drinking a gallon of chamomile tea and wondering what god would allow anything to taste like chamomile (seriously, gross).

Cue Friday morning. An exhausted but beautiful Mrs. Teeth returns, bearing gifts that she managed to pry from the talons of some shopping demon. Sweatpants. I haven't had a pair of sweatpants since Reagan was doing his best Mr. Magoo impersonation when asked by congress about Nicaragua. Sweatpants are AWESOME! I'm not sure how this has managed to escape my knowledge lo these many years, but mine eyes have seen the light. After she woke up, we went to get Korean food. All in all, a pretty bitchin Black Friday.