But it still really fucking sucks though.

Pretty sure that's what went down with the wife and I last weekend. My folks took us out to high-class Thai on Thursday night, bless their hearts. Up through the time we split for work Friday morning, not even a blip on the radar. The wife calls me at 5 to say she's tore back enough to have to cab it home as soon as she can do it without barfing. I gotta help her up the stairs, she heads straight to the toilet and boom. At this point, I'm thinking "dang, sucks to be her". Then she crashes out, and an hour after I eat dinner, boom. Hoooo boy.

So I kinda wake the wife and tell her I'm sick too- and man she reacted like she got a shot of adrenaline and MDMA straight to her heart. Not to get sidetracked, because it's conversation worthy by itself, but one of the three most likely causes of my potential demise is my wife getting the calculations wrong for some Munchausen by Proxy scheme. The woman is scary excited to be "nurse".

Now she is up and about. I had a small dinner and figured it was all up, so I thought I could crash out. Wrong. I start feeling worse, and maybe two hours after round 1, BOOM. And that was the worst bout of vomiting I've had in my adult life.

But it was brief. And that was that for the barfs. Still felt like total crap through the weekend and just got back to solid food yesterday, but you know how after you shut it down food-wise you never know exactly what's making you feel like crap, the sick or the lack of energy. So I started thinking it was most likely a bug or something we picked up at the restaurant as opposed to food poisoning. My folks said that they both felt kind of iffy immediately after eating, but they were all clear by the time they woke up Friday morning, and moms and the wife had the same thing... hmmm.


Today I got the opportunity to talk to some esteemed food service vets to get their takes. The consensus opinion- the odds-on favorite is food poisoning. They both said that yep, it doesn't always thoroughly, like with a strap, whip your ass. And the other huge misconception about it is that there is actually a decent incubation period, around 12-24 hours. After I quickly accounted our meals from the previous day (steak. I ate steak for dinner two nights in a row. I am too poor to not remember every delicious detail of all of it), my restaurant-owning friend was satisfied. Food poisoning.

It almost feels like cheating though. There was a couple minutes of laying on the bathroom floor in my drawers and thinking it was as good a place as any for the next few hours. I definitely had a feeling in my gut I've never had before, and could do without again. But without sitting on the throne while burying my head in a bucket, begging for death while the wife resorts to defiling the bathtub next to me in any variety of ways, it just doesn't register as FOOD POISONING. The Sopranos and Bridesmaids and pretty much every single account of it anybody has ever told make it sound like it's never not dramatic. Have you ever even heard anybody say "oh yeah I had food poisoning, but it wasn't that bad?"

Well now you have. And I'm not that badass. So never lose hope that one day you too can puke your guts out and be useless for a few days, and still consider yourself fortunate. And seeing as we're dealing with a good degree of certainty here, allow me to tell you that this post has been brought to you by OSHA MOTHER FUCKING THAI IN SF, THE EXTRA EXPENSIVE ASS ONE AT EMBARCADERO.