From the GOOP store post:

“Perhaps there’s a metaphor buried in this exchange — the purity of a white mock turtleneck, the audacity to wear one when it’s 86 degrees outside, or the amount of leisure time one must have to be able to show up to Goop Labs at 12:32pm on a Wednesday to complain about the quality of its white mock turtleneck. Or maybe there isn’t.”

“Perhaps there’s a metaphor in this...”

“Or maybe there isn’t.”

1. If you’re the one writing, you get to decide: metaphor or no. In fact, you have to decide.

Advertisement

In any case, you don’t announce baldly “So-and-so that I just described is a metaphor.” You make the metaphor clear with your choice of imagery and wording. Did you not learn this in high school?

2. Let’s examine...

“...the amount of leisure time one must have to be able to show up to Goop Labs at 12:32pm on a Wednesday to complain about the quality of its white mock turtleneck.”

Is the precise time—12:32 p.m.—really, in Megan’s piercing reportorial vision, supposed to suggest great wealth and leisure? Going to a store to return something “at 12:32 p.m. on a Wednesday” suggests the lady was on her lunch hour. Meaning she has to work for a living. Meaning “not a lot of leisure time, dummy.”

Advertisement

3. After this attempt at metaphoring, there’s a bunch more words. According to the title, the words are in some way about how Gwyneth Paltrow’s store embodies “subtle class wars.” The identities of the combatants in these “class wars” are never revealed. The nature of the “wars” themselves is also not identified. What I got out of the 950 words was:

Here is a store for wealthy women.

That’s it. That’s all she’s got. No comparison between this rich-lady store and any of Manhattan’s dozens of other rich-lady stores. No “This store reveals [something new or different from everything else we already know about Gwyneth Paltrow].” At the end, all we get is the vague, empty, fifth-rate-attempt-to-sound-like-Joan Didion conclusion that “Goop Labs is a perfect extrusion of her [GP’s] exacting vision.”

Advertisement

The end.

#extrusion