So I haven’t been very active over the past few months. In August, I accepted a job at a new company in a new city that is about a 5 or 6 hour drive from the only city in which I’ve ever lived. The adjustment to the new job and new city has been...ok. Maybe slightly less than ok. Ok, definitely less than ok.
I’ve struggled with mild social anxiety (among other things) for a number of years, so I’m not really making any friends here. I’m constantly busy (working 50 hours a week while also finishing my degree as a full-time college student and also parenting 3 kids), and constantly lonely. I realize how horrible this is going to sound, but I’m honest, so I’ll just say it: the house we moved into is bigger than what we’ve had, and my kids are getting older, so they’re now just hanging out in their bedrooms on their iPads, and I don’t even see them anymore.
I’ve struggled on and off with alcohol my entire life, and the struggle is currently on. But my issues with moving, and new job, and school stress, and isolation from friends and family is just the tip of the iceberg. The problem is, I feel like a coward and a quitter. I’m just...I’m just done. I’m done with America. I hate this country and the people in it. America is an ignorance-worshipping, racist, sexist, hateful cesspool of awfulness filled with horrible people and I read Jezebel and Splinter etc every day and I just give up and cry and die. I’m drinking now, so maybe I’m not coherent, but drinking is the only way that I ever really express emotion, so I don’t know. But I feel like a complete loser. I feel like the Republican Racist Ignoramus majority has won. I see no path to improvement. The next great extinction period is upon us, as climate change will destroy our habitat. It’s too late. We lost that battle, and that’s not drunken pessimistic cynical Quasar Funk talking, that’s just reality.
But we’re losing everything else. For the first 39 years of my life, I thought that we would continue to get more and more progressive as a society. The pattern was that we’d be more accepting and welcoming with each passing year, but now it seems the opposite is happening. Nazis are a thing in America now. Fucking Nazis. Seriously. Nazis. Like, our President is totally cool with Nazis. NAZIS.
If you’re an old, or a borderline old, like me, just think about that for a second. Did you ever think that being a Nazi would be mainstream in America? Did you ever think that the MAJORITY of poor white people would be anti-union and convinced that what’s best for the Koch brothers is best for the trailer park?
I feel completely defeated. I don’t know what to do any more. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and weep for my children every day. What the fuck do we do now? How do we ever combat gerrymandering and climate destruction and the NRA and everything that is destroying us? I’m sorry for the drunken rambling, but I’m a huge mess right now with nobody to talk to and I’m really depressed and I hate everyone and everything, and hating everything was what drew me to Clashtalk in the first place.
Is anyone else suffering from crippling existential depression or am I the only one that goes to bed each night praying to a god I don’t believe in to take my life in my sleep?