With Iowa coming up, it’s worth remembering that a few months from now, the people who might well sit this one out, you guys if ___ wins and the honest to God, you might as well just hand the fucking election to the _____s if _____ wins people will neither sit this one out nor hand the fucking election to the ______s, because that’s generally not the way it works. The Bernie Bros and the Hillary Bots and the...um...Martin O’Malley Supporters will come together, [Editor’s note: “What about Ralph Nader?” doesn’t work here, because he didn’t try to get onto the ballot as a Democrat. Also, if people knew how to read a goddamn ballot, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway] and all will be happiness and sunshine and blowjobs from unicorns.

The greater danger of fracturing is on the Republican side anyway, but even there, things get papered over more often than not, because the Party, like the House, usually wins. Think George H.W. Bush blasting “voodoo economics,” then signing on to be Reagan’s veep. Think this heartwarming scene:

...in which America was assured that that was the last we’d hear from that old-ass actor, thank God.

Or think this scene, from 2008:


...after a particularly bruising primary campaign that featured supporters from some upstart Senator who were just the worst political people ever:

And that’s from Nobel laureate Paul Krugman. Thankfully such accusations have gone by the wayside this time around. [Editor’s note: snark aside, I think it is a useful illustration of how “Oh my God, ____’s supporters are the worst people ever!” generally doesn’t have a great shelf life. I’ll make an exception for Hitler supporters. They...they’re not great.]


I’m not saying this because I’m a believer in cold-hearted pragmatism who believes in winning elections uber alles. I’m saying it because, deep down in my cold, reptilian heart, I think that, in the end, there is more that united us than divides us, and people, no matter how disparate their views or harsh their fights, are just people, and we’re all capable of letting bygones be bygones once the dust settles.

See? Comity. Forgiveness. Looking each other in the horrifying half-face and saying, “You threatened to kill my family, and I blew you up with an old man. But you are my brother, and I love you.”


ETA: Yes, in retrospect, I do realize that a blow job from a unicorn could be the exact opposite of happiness.