Here's Maine's rundown of all the sporting events going on tonight, that he cares about.

NBA Eastern Conference Finals, Indiana Pacers @ Miami Heat, Game 7

ESPN's favorite, because of their All LeBron All LeTime policy. The Pacers have come out of nowhere to organically bring their roster together against the Yankees of the NBA, the Miami Heat. The Pacers narrowly lost Game 1 in overtime in Miami, but have clearly been the superior team all season. Roy Hibbert and George Hill have been revelations, while LeBron has been carrying the Heat almost singlehandedly, as the other two members of the Big 3, Dwyane(sic) Wade and Chris Bosh have been shitty non-factors. This is suddenly LeBron in Cleveland all over again. Can LeBron LeSurvive? Or will he LeWilt to LeChallenge?

But I can't stand basketball. There's too much stopping. 2/10, will not watch.

NHL Eastern Conference Finals, Game 2, Boston Bruins @ Pittsburgh Penguins

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Oh man, it's fucking story time. So many stories. Anywhere, here goes:

The Penguins-Bruins animosity started when Penguins' headhunter Ulf "Cockhole" Samuelsson hit St. Cam of Neely of the Bruins in 1991.

Things quieted down for almost two decades. But Matt "Asshole Motherfucker" Cooke concussed Marc Savard. It wasn't accidental, it was intentional.

That hit ended Marc Savard's career.

Fast forward to this year. The Bruins thought they had a deal for aging, but still good, Calgary Flames centerman Jarome Iginla. Iginla has listed the Bruins, the Penguins and a few other contenders so he could have a chance to win the Stanley Cup for the first time in his career. Boston, and hockey, fans went to bed thinking Iginla was a Bruin.

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When they woke up, he was a Penguin. You see, Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli was unable to get into contact with Flames GM Lyingsack O'Shit. The deals were eerily similar, but apparently Iginla wanted to play for the Penguins with Sidney "I can't grow a moustache and also I'm a baby" Crosby, and about eleventy bajillion other NHL All-Stars because of the league's boner for Pittsburgh.

Bruins fans were righteously pissed. So, in response, the Bruins made a trade with the Dallas Stars to acquire former Penguin Jaromir Jagr (who was playing for the Penguins in the series with Samuelsson-Neely hit).

So two decades of bad blood are spilling over right now. The Bruins took the first game 3-0, as karmic justice for the bullshit the Penguins have done to the Bruins over the last twenty years.

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12443156456467852313145348798845/10, watch this shit

MLB: Boston Red Sox @ New York Yankees, Game 4 of 4, AL East on the line

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It's Red Sox-Yankees. 4/10, watch during Bruins-Pens commercial breaks.