Yes, I laughed at this Onion article, but only because it was funny. Not because it rings true.
CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, she would likely not risk her own life to save that of freshman Derek Madison. "If it ever came down to it, there's no way I'd jump in front of a gunman for that kid—I'm sorry, but he's always late, he talks constantly during class, and frankly, he's a poor student," said Wells, who added that she "wouldn't think twice" before shielding any other student with her own body. "Look, I have a husband and two children. I'm not going to sacrifice all that for someone who enjoys carving the word 'faggot' into desks with the sharp end of a compass. If we're talking about Albert, Jessica, Carolyn, or Rodrigo, that's a totally different story. But Derek? I just can't see myself doing that." Wells later added that if Derek were standing among a group of students being threatened by a gunman, she would strongly consider "just sacrificing the whole bunch of them."