Happy holidays to my fellow Clashtalkers. The Holiday season can sometimes be a minefield riddled with people that you don't want to see, and this year has been no different. The only difference this year is the one family member my significant other and I chose to see almost ruined our Christmas.

My Girlfriends mother is a total psycho-hose beast. I will give you a brief history and breakdown of her. She is a soulless, man-hating, sociopathic, train-wreck, helicopter parent, enabler, petty, shallow, spineless, know it all and conniving. She is the direct reason I am my girlfriends 5th boyfriend she has ever had in her life at 30 years old. She once while I was taking care of my dieing grandmother, spent the entire day texting me telling me that I am not good enough for my girlfriend, and I need to let her go so she can move back in with her. The She-beast has refused to meet my family because she has not planned out yet how to get home field advantage in the situation. My lady and I have been together for four and a half years now.

I have slaved to make my relationship work despite this woman. When she showed up yesterday for Christmas, I had hoped we all could just get along. I was wrong.

The miss's and I just moved 3 months ago to denver, so we don't exactly have a ton of furniture, or heaven forbid, didn't even bother to buy a Christmas tree. This was strike one. She immediately walked in and made us feel like we were fucking homeless. I went into the living room to relax, and started talking to her current husband,(she constantly threatens to divorce the poor bastard, and openly admits to marrying him for his Union Pacific pension), when her mom started doing the one thing that drives me absolutely insane. She whispers in a low roar, and tells my girlfriend she needs to move back home. Her husband just looks down at the ground, and I just start shaking my head until I couldn't take it anymore and walked into the kitchen and lost my fucking shit.

"YOU KNOW I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU RIGHT?!" I fucking half yell at her. At this point I don't have a clue what I am saying, but if you have ever seen me go off on a troll, imagine me saying that kind of shit to you face to face. She just starts cackling maniacally. She then tells me she wasn't whispering for me she was whispering for my girlfriend,(she is a public school psychologist and a fucking goddamn know it all.). Her husband smartly steps in and says they should go do some sight seeing while waiting for the fucking turkey and ham I bought, cook.


The next 4 hours, me and the lady spend arguing about what a total psycho-hose beast her mom is, and like somebody with a good case of stockholm syndrome, my girlfriend starts sticking up for her.

At this point, Christmas was over to me. They came back, and amazingly enough she was able to keep her fucking mouth shut while we ate and pretended that I don't want to fucking kill her. The damage had already been done.

Mission accomplished: Christmas Ruined.