My comment and BP’s comment have the same number of stars. THIS CANNOT STAND. Look, JUST LOOK at our comments.

His is a simple proclamation about something he likes from a place. I mean, wow, okay. NICE JOB.

OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES IF YOU CAN STAND IT.
Image: mwittier and someone, I dunno (KEENJA)

It only has one, maybe two adjectives. I mean, COME THE FUCK ON. He could have used a heart emoji, but NOOOOO, apparently that was too much work. Sure, it’s brief, succinct, but could it appear on a t-shirt? I hardly think so. Well, check this shit out:

Illustration: mwittier and ArtStudio, which would you even know about if it wasn’t for me (INTERNET)

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YOU WANT TO BUY IT DONT YOU? Sure, I could’ve used an Oxford comma up in there, it it still fucking SINGS. And it’s COLLOQUIAL, so get off my freakin’ back already.

My comment has at least FIVE goddamn adjectives. One is an extreme superlative. EXTREME! My comment is fucking CRAFTED, almost ARTISINAL. Is it the voice of a generation? MAYBE! My comment contains an implied RECIPE for fuckssakes. And a deeply personal ADMISSION. It’s not just some [funny sarcastic voice, like H. Jon Benjamin only dopier and a little gayer, not so much that I can be called out on it, tho] “OH, HIIIII, MY NAME IS BROTHER PARISH, EXCEPT ITS NOT, AND I LIKE CRAP FROM A STORE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT, OKAY, I’M SITTING DOWN NOW, OOOPS, I MISSED MY CHAIR AND WENT BOOM.”

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Mine is like LITERATURE, and his is like a peevish note left in the work refrigerator. If they were scents, mine would be vanilla, only complex, and his would be old masking tape that got wet once. EVERYBODY LIKES VANILLA FOR CRYING OUT FUCKING LOUD.

So star my comment, and report his, or something. Flag his as SPAM, because it’s selling mediocrity and lack of humanity, AND it comes in a can and it’s gristly.

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Thank you, and completely unrelated, I have rare coins that are easily mailed. Just saying. JUST MAKING MORE SPARKLING REPARTEE.

Did you know there was an “H” in H. Jon Benjamin? I did not. I thought it was just “Jon Benjamin.” It kind of spooked me in a way like I felt like I fell into an alternate universe of voice actors. BUT WE LEARNED TOGETHER, RITE?