Starburst Minis: A Foucauldian Nightmarescape of Pain
It's well known that many Clashtalkers are fans of the 'burst. So this week I did a little investigation into a relatively recent arrival on the Starburst scene, Starburst minis. On general principal I am a huge proponent of miniaturizing food of all kinds, and Starburst truly were one of my top favorite childhood candies, so optimism was running high as I exited 7-11 the other day.
Verdict: DISAPPOINTING. Any true devotee of the brand will immediately find that both texture and flavor are needlessly compromised in the miniaturization process. For me, one of the most delightful aspects of regulation Starbursts is the succulent synergy that occurs as the intense fruitiness floods the mouth while at the same time the teeth and tongue are engaged with a "chew factor" that is smooth and with just the right resistance. I found the minis too small to really give that satisfying CHEW experience and they almost seem to disintegrate into some kind of grainy slurry. And the flavor, I'm sorry to say, was subpar. There was a sort of powdery aftertaste that was most unfortunate. I was eating them in a relatively dim room and without checking specifically to see what color I was eating, I really couldn't identify which flavor it was by taste alone. This would be unthinkable with the original size.
I've been puzzling to myself: STARBURST MAKERS WHY, WHY DID YOU DO THIS. Was the size of regular Starburst thought to be too unwieldy for some? Was it imagined that an additional sector of Starburst consumer could be accessed by doing away with the need to remove the wrapper before enjoying the chewy fruity goodness? Are some of us that lazy?? Also I know the PC police are going to get down on me for this but there's something kind of...against nature about having all the different flavors of fruit mingling together unclothed. It just seems wrong to me. That's not how God intended it.
So today when I'm out and about you can believe I'll be picking up a pack of old school traditional Starburst. And brotherparish I'll be saving all the yellows and oranges for you.