In my dream last night, at least, which I think is probably very close to reality. Sure, you might say that "reality" doesn't include the Pope inexplicably working at a college I once worked at (with a nameplate on his office door that reads "Pope Francis"), or my agnostic ass being invited for a one-on-one chat with the pontiff in a conference room, but don't nitpick. What I learned about Francis during our talk:

—He's not hung up on being called "Your holiness" by non-believers. When I asked him what he wanted to be called, he just shrugged because it didn't really matter. If you've ever worked around academics, someone who isn't particular about the title by which they are addressed is a breath of fresh air.

—He's a slippery one. You know those people who, when you try to pin them down on something, will answer with the, "But why do you ask about..." "But why is this important to you...?" questions that force you to do most of the talking, to the point that you end up having just enough rope to hang yourself? He does that. "But why does it offend you what a church you don't belong to teaches?" "But why is it important to you that Catholics believe as you do?" It just does, you basta—you holy bastard.

—He's very pleasant, and smiles and laughs a lot in conversation without seeming condescending, which is nice.

—He has a very small, windowless office, which is befitting of a man not taken by creature comforts.