Once you recover from your diabetic coma and decide to spend even more time with the relatives you just spent the last three hours screaming at next month, I have a modest proposal for what you can take: hazelnut pie. (You could easily make this with pecans, but I didn’t have any pecans handy, so I used some hazelnuts I had around.)

Here’s what you’ll need—I use metric, because you should use metric when baking stuff:

  • Eggs: 170 grams (a little more than three large eggs—if you’re scaling them, crack one into a glass and scramble it up, then weigh out the three eggs, then top off the weight with the scrambled-up extra, if that makes sense)
  • Melted butter: 57 grams
  • Light corn syrup: 340 grams
  • White sugar: 99 grams
  • Vanilla: 4 grams
  • Bourbon: 4 grams
  • Hazelnuts: 156 grams
  • 1 8- or 9-inch pie shell, uncooked (if you need a recipe, let me know)

Preheat your oven to 425.

While the butter is melting, whisk the eggs together in a medium-to-large bowl. Add the corn syrup, sugar, vanilla, bourbon, and now-melted butter (otherwise known as everything other than the nuts) to the bowl and whisk until smooth.

Add the nuts to the pie shell in as close to an even layer as possible and pour in the egg/butter/everything else mixture.

Pop it into the oven and bake for 15 minutes. After that, turn the heat down to 350 and bake for another 20-30 minutes, or until the pie is slightly puffed up, mostly set (it’ll still be a bit jiggly), and a knife comes out of the middle cleanly.

Let it cool for an hour and a half or so, then cut it up. It’s not the world’s greatest pie, but it is pretty good.