It’s not so much what I bought (but I have to share it, for context) but what Amazon thinks I might need in order to complete my life/lifestyle, accordingly.

So here’s the shit I bought:

My tools are scattered everywhere, over three floors. I hate that it’s red, but it got good reviews and I’m tired of only finding seven slot screwdrivers when I need a phillips. The flagstones will cover the edge of my pond. Yes, I have a pond. A small pond.
Gross, I know. Sorry. Also: I got a new screen door, and the spring hinges are wound too tightly, just like me. That explains both of these.
My front porch is kinda deep, and I hadn’t washed it in ten years, and it was GRIMY. I thought if I had a fancy brush, I’d wash it, and I was 2/3 right. I will was the remaining 1/3 “someday.” The adhesive was to repair the trim on a massive window box planter on my front porch. I actually completed that task, because caulk guns are fun.


Okay: so here’s what Amazon suggested.

WTFF, Jeff Bezos?


Some sort of elixir to discourage the eating of feces. THE EATING OF FECES.

Some hunk of hardware that “actuates” something. What am I, a Scientologist?

Tartar scrapers. To scrape my own tartar. Apparently I need a hobby.

Barley straw bales. After I eat these, I won’t have tartar, and presumably will be disinclined to eat poop. Like shredded wheat, only worse.


A “Vanadium Steel” security bit set. I know what Wolverine’s getting this year for Christmas.



Stubby tools. Stubby. Tools. I SEE WHAT YOURE SAYING BEZOS.

A kit, for after I’m done self-maiming my gums.

A mini ratchet driver. Mini. Ratchet. I’m dinky and a mess.

Oxygenating Hornwort. I never read any Harry Potter books, but I KNOW that’s an insult.


Neither I, nor any of my pets, have EVER EATEN POOP. Coprophagia Deterrent. I’m pretty much copraphobic, my deterrence is inborn, possibly even existing at the DNA level.

This has been “Shit I Bought.” Featuring rotting teeth and actual shit. Apparently.