Welcome back to another episode of Survivor! First, before I get to last week’s episode, can I just say something? Fuck Spencer! I missed episodes 2 and 3 and finally just got around to watching them. Spencer thought, in episode 3, that a great way to build a relationship with Jeremy was to tell Jeremy that he is incapable of telling his girlfriend of a year that he can’t return her “I love you”s. Naw man, fuck that and fuck you. Let’s just hope for this to happen sooner rather than later:

My reaction may be a little over the top but I have been that girlfriend, and it fucking SUCKS. Man, if I were his girlfriend and he still hasn’t said it since returning from filming I would dump his ass, especially after he just told a national audience that he can’t bring himself to say it.

Back to last week’s episode. Oh, Joe. Joe Joe Joe. I can’t decide if Joe is unaware of how much a threat he is (definitely not, he has been a survivor fan forever and I really think he does know), or if he thinks that an immunity run is his only way to the finals. Probably the latter. But, for someone who was voted off immediately once he no longer had individual immunity last season, he sure put a target on his back with his win last week. There are 12 people left, and he won’t be able to win every challenge. Everyone loves Joe. I love Joe. But his time may be coming soon. Stephen has been after him from the start, which is unsurprising. He learned the hard way last time that sitting next to the golden boy in the finals is a surefire way to lose.

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Speaking of Stephen, I just don’t understand his edit this season. It started off with “Fishbach can’t chop wood. Fishbach can’t open a coconut” (just a reminder that they didn’t have coconuts in Tocantins), then “Fishbach is a sneaky bastard looking for the idol” (as if no one else is), now “Fishbach is some poetry loser and everyone is rolling their eyes at him.” This is actually really distressing me. I made it clear on day one that Shirin was my favorite, but I really soured on her after she hit the ground running way to hard and after her treatment of Abi-Maria in the second episode. After she left the only one I want to win is Stephen. Maybe this is in-group bias on my part. Scratch that, it definitely is, I will always root for the Jews. I can only think of a handful of Jewish Survivor contestants off the top of my head including Ethan Zohn, Eliza Orlins, and Jonathan Penner. Upon a further search, it turns out that John Cochran and RC Saint-Amour are Jewish as well as Max from last season, mostly known for wandering around naked with Shirin and having a gross beard. Do you know how hard it is to fact-check whether a Survivor contestant is Jewish? Googling the words “Jewish” and “Survivor” together generally bring up vastly different results. But anyway my point is that out of them, I do identify most closely with Stephen. I’m not a soccer star. I’m not a babe. I don’t have a PhD. I’m just a slightly nerdy, slightly socially awkward city Jew stuck in the boonies. To be honest, I don’t even read his blog. I don’t listen to him on RHAP. He may be a turd on those. But he’s not a turd on my tv and I so desperately want him to win. I know he probably won’t. Even if he’s been practicing a final tribal council speech in his sleep for six years, he is so incredibly awkward that I still think he would bite it in the end, if he could ever manage to get there, which I don’t think he will. But Survivor released a confessional from him explaining the poetry scene which I think makes a lot of sense. Random prayer circles pop up a bunch on Survivor, and he by definition just can’t take part in those, so he has to connect in another way.

Hopefully nothing happens to Stephen tonight. He wants Joe gone but Savage is in love with Joe, and already thinks Fishbach is shady.

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Now to some women. I love Ciera. Yes, she voted her own mother out. Yes, she forced a rock-drawing tiebreaker. But I was really delighted by her confessionals during Blood vs. Water in which she basically said “at some point my mom is going to hinder my game and when that time comes she needs to go.” And then when the time came she did it. It wasn’t heartless, we knew that it hurt her, but she was calm and calculating about it in a way that no one else there was, including the big strong macho men (except for maybe Tyson, who left his girlfriend on Redemption Island because he had a better shot, and I mean it definitely worked out well for him!). She’s definitely trying to make moves this season, but I worry that her throwaway vote for Savage and her attempts to stir up controversy at camp will come back to bite her in the ass (probably not the best to tell people that Savage is gunning for him when he is right there and can call you a liar). It seems like she’s trying hard to play hard, and she’s overplaying, I think. Hopefully it will cause enough conflict to expose Savage’s schmuckery to the rest of them, but if not I think he could guess who wrote down his name pretty easily and gather his alpha males to vote her out. Savage seems like one of those men who just cannot contain his rage if things don’t go his way. He already called half of the players pieces of shit for voting out Woo, what would he do if people start targeting him? He continually talks about being voted off of Pearl Islands and how none of it was his fault. You know what, dude? Pretty much everyone on that beach has been unlucky in some way or another. How many have been screwed by a tribe switch or a merge at a bad time? And yet most of them made one comment about it in the opening episode and haven’t mentioned it since. Maybe it’s careful editing on the producers’ parts, but I am 100% willing to believe that Savage has never, ever, ever stopped talking about the Outcasts and how he’s just such a Survivor martyr.

What is up with Wiglesworth? Why is she so invisible? Is the original Kelly now turning into Purple Kelly? Maybe she just hasn’t done anything interesting around camp except for yoga. Maybe she hasn’t gotten into any fights. Maybe she still hasn’t figured out the whole new-school Survivor game after 17 days and is just trying to hang on for the ride. It’s really quite sad, though. She has waited 15 years for this. Jeff waited 15 years for this. Kimmi waited 15 years for this. And they’re all just getting thrown to the side as the younger/newer players steamroll through. If only they would steamroll over Savage instead.