I farted myself awake this morning. I was sleeping soundly when a loud noise woke me up; it was a fart. Confusion reigned for several seconds. I had to ask my wife if I farted or if she did it. She didn’t answer. Eventually the odor wafting through the sheets identified me as the perpetrator.

I’ve reached the point in life where I can fart with sufficient vigor and potency to wake myself up, without knowing immediately that I did it. Never thought I’d be here.