So I was just looking at the vlogger/Ashley Madison article. On the video, the guy says, essentially, “Yes, I went looking for some strange online, but God has forgiven me, so it’s cool.” He probably reads the Bible more than I do, so for all I know, he’s right.

That got me to thinking. It reminded me of when I was a kid (like, five or six) and I wanted a toy AT-AT more than anything in the world (last year a friend inexplicably bought a tattered one off of EBay, and I’m still jealous). I don’t know why I remember the exact product in question, but one day my mom bought a box of Dixie paper cups, and the box had an offer for Star Wars toys for a certain number of proofs of purchase. I had no idea how this actually worked, but in retrospect you probably had to buy like $500 worth of stuff to get an AT-AT (which, if we had the money to do so, means that she could have easily bought the toy itself). I thought, since the box said you could have an AT-AT for buying cups, and we had bought cups, then clearly I should get an AT-AT. It was just logic.

Perhaps because she didn’t want to take the time to explain how proofs-of-purchase, money, or our family’s place on the socioeconomic continuum worked, mom said it was a great idea, sat down, and wrote out a letter to the company that said, “Lil’ ICN [I don’t know why she called me that, but I went with it] should receive one AT-AT,” sealed it up in an envelope with the box top, and sent me on my way.

First off, why I remembered this years later, and not, you know, a week later, when I might have asked when I was getting my toy and, on learning the truth, denounced my mother and her filthy lies, is beyond me.

More to the point, now I know that she was a filthy liar, because if all you have to do is ask and you get what you want (even if it’s for something as big as being forgiven for trying to step out on the wife who just gave birth to your kid), then surely I would have gotten the damn AT-AT if she had actually sent the letter.

Am I saying that my mom is a worse person than the Ashley Madison vlogger guy? I hate to say it, but since she, to the best of my knowledge, has never asked God’s forgiveness—or asked God to give me an AT-AT—yeah, kinda.