I hate these fuckers. And there has perhaps never been as wonderful a time to hate them, as this season they have proven themselves to be the scummiest franchise with the worst fan base in American sports (sorry Baltimore- it was a solid effort).

Allow me to explain this to you in as concise a fashion as possible. Feel free to argue in the comments and get sonned.

The Ray McDonald case was a shitshow of epic proportions. You would think that an on-duty cop tampering with a domestic violence investigation at the scene, at the behest of an NFL team also cutting him checks, would be something of a story to reasonable people. It was, of course. But Niner fans are not reasonable people. In all three of the other domestic violence cases in Carolina, Minnesota and Baltimore that rocked the NFL earlier in the season, fans organized to protest their teams suiting up the players in question. Niner fans, on the other hand, bombarded the comment section of every San Jose Mercury News article reporting new developments by insisting how newsworthy the whole affair wasn't. They also parroted the Niners company line of "due process," which was ridiculous. I'm pretty sure you are not violating the civil or legal rights of an NFL player, nor hurting their career, by paying them their full salary to stand on the sideline and not get concussed for a few weeks.

McDonald eventually escaping charges is just another in a long line of favorable legal decisions for the Niners in the past few years. It's bad enough that they've had enough players arrested for distinct patterns of any sort to develop. But it sure does appear that the Niners, the SJPD, and the DA have some kind of... understanding. Ahmad Brooks not being charged for smashing a bottle over a teammate's head who was trying to prevent him from driving drunk was the most egregious example. Until Chris Culliver's pending hit-and-run case got completely swept under the rug (no public information released since a July 10 hearing was cancelled or postponed- did I mention that the Niners were real thin at CB heading into the season?).

And we've even gone downhill from there. It appears that the Niners' corruption of the justice system has potentially led to some very ugly things.


But Niner fans just don't do bad news. It's remarkable, really, the willful ignorance. The initial reports of locker room tension and friction between Harbaugh and the rest of the organization were met with similar responses. Not true! Everybody has papers to sell! Screw you, Kawakami! And then those reports kept coming and coming. Is there anybody who doesn't believe them at this point? There sure as hell are on the Niners blogs.

This season has been a perfect storm for Niner hating. Notoriously fair-weather, I can't think of any other time where they were both contending and facing so much negative press. And as much as their fans buried their heads in the sand in regards to the off-field crap, the on-field crap has become too much to ignore. After every awful Kaepernick performance, half their fan base laments the loss of Alex Smith. The same Alex Smith who they all hated when he was there, and more importantly, obviously sucks. And with the season hanging by a thread (but still entirely redeemable), we have entered my ever-reliable favorite phase of Niner choking- the scapegoat hunt.


Every season they contend and lose, there has to be a scapegoat somewhat on the periphery to brand as an "other" who ruined everything for the "real" Niners all by himself. Sometimes it's the kicker. Sometimes it's a third-down back who made one conspicuous bad play. But usually it's the offensive coordinator. And that's how it's playing out this year. Everything is Greg Roman's fault.

Now as a fan of a team who had Greg Knapp as offensive coordinator FUCKING TWICE, I cannot argue that there aren't terrible offensive coordinators out there. But when your head coach has an offensive background, you can't really hang everything on the OC beneath him in the chain of command. It is so, so dumb, and the most common way morons try to sound like they know something about football. The Niners run game has sucked, their aerial attack has sucked. They're not tipping plays or being completely predictable, which is the appropriate time to hammer the OC. What's the guy supposed to do, and if it's that obvious to your dumb ass, why isn't Harbaugh making him do it? But it can't be that the team isn't that good... it just can't! I mean they got Stevie Johnson in the off-season!

What a bunch of shitbirds.

I will close with the biggest indictment of the franchise there is- they promote themselves as the snob team.


Football is the most low-brow shit I can think of. It appeals to those of us who have a soft spot for eating pork and drinking beer in a parking lot at 10 AM as a prelude to an afternoon of cussing at a bunch of fat guys who went to SEC schools. It's a beautiful thing, yes, but the word "class" shouldn't enter the picture until you have to take one after getting a DUI leaving the stadium. Who wants to be the football team of nice guys? Every fictional depiction of football ever, the nice guys are huge underdogs against the big mean dudes clad in black that everybody wishes they were.

So it strikes me as bizarre, if not counter-productive, to market your football team as "classy." Unless perhaps you're trying to set up a contrast with another franchise? That "winning with class" nonsense is not some folksy nugget that John Brodie used to toss around. No, they started pushing that line coincidentally at the same exact time the Raiders apparel craze became a cultural phenomenon. A cultural phenomenon amongst a certain... demographic, shall we say.

A lot of people really don't like it when I talk about this shit. But let's face facts. Let's not pretend that the Raiders aren't associated with crime and "thugs" and all the rest of our lovely contemporary dog-whistle words. Deadspin has to consistently scrub blatantly racist comments from its Raiders posts. My jaw drops when I hear Niner fans liken Raider games to prison brawls, and in the same breath, pine for the return of Eddie DeBartolo Jr. Eddie DeBartolo Jr. managed to be simultaneously a felon and a snitch, and was banned by the league as a result. But those people tho. You don't have to be racist to hate the Raiders, by any means whatsoever. Maybe you just live in Denver, San Diego, or Kansas City (in which case you're still probably racist- BOOM!). But in my experience, it sure does seem to help.


"Class." For the first time that I'm aware of, the Oakland Coliseum and OPD has assigned extra security for a Raiders game because an opposing team's fan's are that much more awful than ours. The barbed wire-wrapped torch has officially been passed. To the Niners, and all their idiot fans who lap that fake nonsense up, allow me to quote one of our great Raider fans: fuck all yall.