That was quite a game, nyuck nyuck nyuck. HASHTAGBOLOTIE!!!!11!!!!
Yesterday morning Roger Goodell did what he does best- be a pain in the butt. While the announcement that no NFL team will be moving to LA for the 2015 season was decidedly good news for all of us Raiders fans in the Bay Area, it obliterated my plans for this week's preview. Thankfully, my main man Goofy Golden God Philip Rivers stepped up with a Niner-hating performance for the ages.
Philip Rivers is far from the Elway/Brady level of undeniable respect and appreciation. He doesn't even occupy the next rung down on the ladder, being consistently dominant enough to warrant immediate scorn upon every mention of his name. Philip Rivers is outside the conversation of "great" QBs, even (if not especially) amongst his contemporaries. No, Philip Rivers is just bad enough to not be too threatening as a rival, and just good enough to go out and embarrass the Niners on national TV and find a permanent place on the bench of my heart.
Before last night, my affection for Philip Rivers had a large component of irony. He is a noted conservative, having stumped for Rick Santorum, of all people, in the past. That's some not-fucking-around conservatism. He ain't faking the funk with that either- Philip Rivers has hella kids. It's quite possible his poor play in the first half last night was due to the stress of having to think of another name for his inevitable next offspring.
And then there's that face. That Laserface. Philip Rivers possesses a unique visage that is so imminently punchable that after extended exposure, you want to have a beer and an extended conversation with him instead. For all intents and purposes, Philip Rivers is an adorable man.
We probably talked about this last season, but today it bears repeating. Years ago, back in the days when an intrepid
young man could score a pre-game field pass and have his picture taken in front of a "JaMARCUS' JUNIORS" banner, I sat in the second row of the Oakland Coliseum behind the Chargers bench and partook in a lovely afternoon of heckling the shit out of them. They still had a pissy LT who wouldn't talk to Rivers on the sideline, Shawn Merriman... just an absolutely wonderful squad to heckle. I quickly realized the way to stand out from the crowd was to not use profanity. So I hit Philip Rivers with the cutting barb, "HEY RIVERS! YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN ELI!"
He looked me square in the eyes off that, with a look that was part confusion that I wasn't working blue like everybody else, and part pure hurt. Philip Rivers is a humble man of God. But even humble men have pride. Even humble men bristle at the suggestion that they are worse at playing football than Eli Manning. He was so visibly taken aback that the whole section caught it and laughed their asses off.
(Even more amusing- the "Osgood's mom's good" chant we directed at Kasim Osgood, started by some fans sitting next to us whose daughter went to college with him. They actually knew him, ha ha. He was super pissed, and had to be consoled on the sideline. That was quite possibly the most awesome thing to ever happen during a Chargers game.)
So Philip and I go way back. We have a special bond. Just ask him, he remembers me. It's been great to follow his career after that, watching him pick up the pieces of his psyche after I shattered it, and seeing him becoming a whole man again after suffering the indignity of being unfavorably compared to the only pro athlete even dorkier-looking than himself. I'm sure it was an emotional moment for both of us after that game. Philip, his return from the deepest depths of career-threatening, heckle-induced emotional trauma culminating in a 21-point comeback victory over a sub-.500 team in a half-empty stadium. And me, watching on TV in my pajamas, drinking beer and smoking weed. Just two br0s, enjoying the Niners getting thoroughly embarrassed, together. Except separately.
Meanwhile, the Bills come to town today for what is the last "meaningful" (as if there were more than one) game of the 2014 season. Stay healthy out there today guys.