You are wrong for not liking Interstellar (heavy spoilers)

I wish I could write a review, but I can't find the words to express how stellar and beautiful this film was.

So this is rebuttal to this stupid article. I don't care for lazy criticism:

1. The film implies that corn is the USA's final crop. But if there's no wheat, where, exactly, does the beer that Matt McConaughey's and John Lithgow's characters drink come from?

Corn beer. Chicha is popular in South America. Also freezers exist. You are stupid. Go away.

2. There's no U.S. army in the film's version of the future. But wouldn't you want a standing army of some sort in a time when there have explicitly been large and presumably catastrophic food riots — riots so bad that NASA was encouraged to bomb cities from outer space?

There is literally no timeline of how long these events have been going on. NASA could have been encouraged to do that more than half a century before the disbanding of the Army. Also the Army could still be in existence, since NASA was also "disbanded."

3. McConaughey's character Cooper and his daughter Murph stumble on NASA, which is still being run by the presumably still-existent federal government, which funds NASA in secret so as not to provoke public opinion against it — even though NASA's sole purpose at this point is finding a way to save humanity. That seems like exactly the kind of effort that the last remaining corn-eaters might rally behind.

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People in this world are already reluctant to grow crops, and only seem to do so out of self-preservation. People would probably lose their collective shit if they found out NASA was wasting money on an incredibly improbable solution. Everyone would stop what they're doing and go into looting mode.

4. Apparently, this crippled, army-less federal government is able to spend the presumable billions it would cost to build some kind of Noah's Ark–like underground super-space centrifuge plus a whole fleet of cool Ranger space vehicles plus launch a series of missions into an unknown galaxy toward potentially hospitable planets through a wormhole. So where does the government get all this money that it's funneling in secret to the officially nonexistent NASA?

Just because NASA "disbanded" doesn't mean they gave away all the money they most likely had, also recycling equipment. Also, have you seen the military budget? If the country got rid of the military, and kept taxes (as they mention), despite the reduced population, they would still get a load of money for NASA.

5. NASA makes a big show of only sending people with no family or romantic attachments into space, and then half of their final crew has family or romantic attachments that then completely mess with their mission. Also, in the case of Michael Caine's Professor Brand, it's hard to make a compelling argument for sending only people with no families when you're blasting your own daughter into space.

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This is a good point, but since he thought Humanity was doomed, why the fuck wouldn't he send his own DNA and "the best pilot we had" to repopulate humanity?

6. When Cooper awakens on the space-centrifuge, everything's once again pretty hunky-dory, technology-wise, which makes it seem as if the whole human race is probably just a few billion dollars away from getting life back up and running again. And if they can grow crops on the spinning space-station, why not send that up into orbit and grow crops on it? Rather than build it in secret for a mission that's actually a red herring, thus wasting billions of secret dollars that would be better spent on literally anything else in the world?

This makes no fucking sense. The whole point is that they couldn't get it up into space, which was their hope. And sending crops back and forth from space would be fucking stupid. This point just makes no fucking sense.

7. The plan of Matt Damon's Dr. Mann is impossible to follow. Did he want to kill Cooper so that Cooper couldn't go back to Earth but Mann could go back to Earth instead? Plus, didn't they have two ships? Why did Mann even care if Cooper left? Or was his plan to leave both Cooper and Amelia Brand to die and take the fertilized eggs to the next planet, where that third person was? If so, why did Cooper (or Cooper plus Brand) have to die for him to do that? Couldn't he just say, "Hey, let's all go to the other planet, or at least anyone who wants to?" Or maybe he's just gone space-crazy?

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This is probably a combination of space crazy, and him not being aware of how much fuel they had left. Also his plan was probably based on their reactions to finding out that there was no Plan A.

8. The elderly Murphy Cooper spends two years in a space-travel cryo-freeze, apparently two of the very last years or her life, to finally be reunited with her father — and she more or less chases him out of the room after a couple minutes.

Yeah this is pretty stupid. Or she's a telepath and could tell he had better shit to do.

9. If Cooper was the ghost who pushed the books off the shelf and sent the message to his daughter in the past, why was his message

stay

? Who was he telling to stay? Not Cooper, surely, because then the whole movie doesn't happen and Earth is doomed, right? So Murphy is supposed to stay? Stay where?

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This is just bad nitpicking. Cooper's in an incredibly emotional frightened state when he's finding out that he's actually the ghost. Cooper sends STAY to his daughter before he realises it's futile and that the events need to happen in order for him to save his daughter and everyone.

10. It's awfully hard to believe that complex astrophysics could even be rendered in Morse code. Basically the premise is that the final piece of evidence needed to unlock "gravity" and solve the long-standing equation that would allow NASA to launch that superstation was unknowable and could only be glimpsed inside a black hole. but could also be relayed via Morse code? Like, here's the secret to the universe stop better grab a pencil stop?

Yeah this is pretty weird. It's probably just something to do with nerds, while also being a relatively simple method of communication that requires little to no interaction. So love letter to morse and convenient plot device.

11. Future advanced humans — so advanced that they actually live in five dimensions — set up a whole scenario so that Cooper would be able to tell himself where to find NASA. Yet the best means of communicating with the past is the malfunctioning secondhand of a wristwatch?

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This point is ridiculous. Cooper came up with this. Not the beings.

12. What's the point of all the remaining educators conspiring to teach that the moon landing was faked? All the educators in America decided that the corn-eaters were still too hopeful and thought,

Let's perpetrate this one great lie, just for kicks

?

Beats me. Maybe in case someone ever stumbled upon NASA, so they could be played off as a lunatic?

13. We're in a future with no armies and a barnstorming version of the New York Yankees, yet there are also not only textbook companies, but textbook companies that diligently issue corrected editions.

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Kids still need to learn. Also they probably felled a fuckload of trees to make room for all that corn. Why waste paper?

14. Who would have been the spaceship pilot if Cooper hadn't shown up? Would NASA have called him eventually? It seems weird to entrust the future of humanity with a semi-random trespasser.

It seems weird to entrust the future of humanity in the hands of one physicist too. I'm going to just say suspend your disbelief because this film would probably suck if Cooper went home and Johnny McSpaceguy went into space instead.

15. Michael Caine's character, Dr. Brand, is supposed to age 23 years over the course of the film. Yet he looks exactly the same throughout.

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Once people are old they stay relatively the same from what I've seen. He definitely looks older in the hospital scene though.

16. It seems problematic for Anne Hathaway's character, Amelia Brand, to be left to raise hundreds of babies all by herself.

Well I doubt the team back home were planning on everyone else dying. 4 people > 1 person.

17. Cooper sure is able to hijack a spaceship pretty easily there towards the end.

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ENGINEER PILOT POWERSSSS.

18. Mackenzie Foy, the actress who plays the young Murph, looks more like Anne Hathaway than she does Jessica Chastain, who plays the adult Murph.

This is another stupid point. Kid actors rarely look like their adult counterparts.

19. Casey Affleck, as adult Tom, has a higher voice than Timothée Chalamet, who plays young Tom. It sounded like the character was going through reverse puberty once Affleck appeared.

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They should've hired James Earl Jones then I guess.

20. Why is Topher Grace in this movie? Nothing against Topher Grace, but casting him in a small part like the one he plays guarantees that everyone in the audience will, at least momentarily, be drawn out of the film to think,

Hey, is that Topher Grace

?

Hey, a guy's gotta make money somehow.

21. Finally, and perhaps most important: If Cooper saved humans from the fifth dimension, opened the wormhole, and engineered the whole sequence of events by which Cooper instructed his past self and his daughter on how to, basically, save humanity — well, how did those future humans get saved? Which is to say, you can't travel back in time and engineer your own salvation. Don't you first have to be saved, so that you will exist in the future to travel back in time? This isn't a "chicken or the egg" question as much it is a "chicken travels back in time and lays egg that hatches and becomes that chicken" question, and that's impossible, right? Or is the answer just "love and wormholes and love and Dylan Thomas"?

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Another mission could've happened or alternate reality Cooper & Hathaway's mission could've been successful enough to guarantee future generations — who then figure out it out — but not save the Earth.

If you're going to criticise a movie, actually think about this shit, and write 21 ways I could become a better critic instead.