Bra-vo. From The Onion in 2004: Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens to Gay Marry. From Towleroad, today: Gay Men Married to Straight Women Defend "Traditional" Marriage in Bizarre SCOTUS Brief.

I know that you have questions. Two, specifically:

1) You're shitting me, right?

2) Wait, huh?

To take these reasonable questions in order, no, I am not shitting you. And apparently recognizing gay marriage doesn't just delegitimize straight marriage (which we already all knew it would), but delegitimizes gay-straight marriages. Take it away, amicus brief!

That's right, allowing gay people to marry (other gay people, that is) means that gay people who marry straight people for religious reasons are now completely invalidated. And maybe not even their marriages—perhaps, Back to the Future-style, they see themselves fading out of their family pictures as the Court considers the case.

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Look, fellas, I say this with a surprising amount of empathy for you—I was raised in a very religiously conservative environment, and I know a lot of guys who I'm 97% certain are gay and either straight-married or celibate. If you think that your god wants you to be married to a woman or nobody, then go for it—it's your life, and if everyone in the relationship is aware of what's going on, I can't think of an ethical objection to it.

But you don't get to decide for me or anyone else, and if your conception of what counts as a relationship is that threatened by someone else having a chance to get in on the game, then your marriage might be, as you call it, meaningless, only not for the reasons you think.